OK. Apologies for blowing up this thread but I've got a new and improved version I would like to share since I've gotten this to a place now.
Also wanted to share for others what I was kind of running up against and some help hopefully.
One issue was that I hadn't defined the origin. To do this need to tell two intersecting planes to "define origin" in the properties tool bar and make sure the planes are pinned.
Then (I think... at least worked in this case) if you want to have a face on the element selectable so that you can align it with another plane in the model you have to give it a plane..... basically create a plane on the face you want to be able to align with and in the properties palette assign a "strong reference" value to it.
Doing these things has gotten me pretty close to where I want to be with this both with the model and mentally haha.
One thing I realized is that even though you can't insert the family in section it is a whole lot easier to align everything in section. Pretty simple operation of roughly load the family in either 3D view or an elevation then position it using the align tool in section.
The thing I still don't understand is why I can't work with it in 3D. If I select the new family first then I can select all the faces by tabbing through. AND, then I can select the bottom of the soffit plane to align to. This is a problem because my roof is unlocked so it moves to the rafter tail. Deal breaker. BUT the other problem is, that if I select the soffit plane to align to first, then for whatever reason I can't select any of the individual planes on the family to align to it. Confusing at best and sure could use some insight.
As best I can tell there is no way to have the rafter tail load into the project in the correct orientation. Would be nice because it will always be in one orientation so if someone can work that out in the family and explain how it's done that would be appreciated. For now tabbing at insert to rotate is a work around.
Thanks Mike for staying with me through most of this and providing your example. I would still be wrestling with this in a big way for sure if you hadn't provided your insight.
Another learning curve part way through!