"Autodesk Revit Has Stopped Working" unresolved error

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Recently, I installed Revit 2015 R2 with UR14 in my Windows 7 Professional system, but every time I try to open the program to start using it, I instantly get an error message stating, "Autodesk Revit Has Stopped Working." I have uninstalled, reinstalled, and repaired the installation 8 times straight, and even tried installing it in a fresh, updated VM of the same OS, and get the same problem. I've installed every available update, and nothing changes. I've tried R1 UR3, UR4, UR14, and currently R2 UR14 (which I have a subscription for).
A handful of other users have also had this problem, but it was officially never resolved. A prime example of a similar case is this: https://forums.autodesk.com/t5/revit-mep/autodesk-has-stopped-working-error-message/td-p/4969368
I found another case here: https://forums.autodesk.com/t5/installation-licensing/autodesk-revit-has-stopped-working/td-p/586937...
(except this one has a different error message somehow)
Other references include:
http://forums.augi.com/showthread.php?59461-RA-2008-won-t-start/page6&highlight=revit%20start
http://www.revitcity.com/forums.php?action=viewthread&thread_id=33886
http://dimensiondrawings.co.uk/revit-stopped-working/
http://www.revitforum.org/mep-general/22444-revit-2015-wont-start.html
Many have speculated that the problem might be caused by outdated graphics drivers, antivirus, installation and/or activation errors, add-ins, temp files, or faulty registry keys, but none of these are accurate in my case. All my drivers are up to date, I tried the installation with and without AV, I uninstalled all relevant add-ins, I erased all temp files, cleaned my registry, and even ran a defragmentation process, but nothing changes. What's more my problem has NOTHING to do with licensing! There are also rumors that a Windows Update may have caused this problem, but this has never been confirmed.
There have been reports of this sort dating back to 2008, so the developers at Autodesk had plenty of time to fix this.
We, the users, have long needed a proper fix for this problem, but now I demand answers. I need a solution, and I need it YESTERDAY!