Resolved, and leaving this up here incase other people need the help.
see image:
![monch160_0-1643832052316.png monch160_0-1643832052316.png](https://forums.autodesk.com/t5/image/serverpage/image-id/1019943i51821AEE00108408/image-size/medium?v=v2&px=400)
in an effort to try and adjust DPI on an external monitor, I went and changed the high DPI settings, not only did it not help my external screen blurriness, it also made revit crash during the window/tabs issues that I mentioned above.
I checked those boxes circled in red which caused the issues. Leave them unchecked.
Answer: don't adjust these settings. Keep them set to the default.