Hey VansFannel,
I'm by no means an expert at UVing, but have you tried the UV "Automatic?" It looks like you're trying to do a single planar UV on your model, which won't work for most models.
Sometimes it's a good start (not always) for some odd shapes, and you can customize it afterward if it's a bit off. Such as selecting specific faces that don't look right, using UV planar, then you can stitch them, etc.
Next to the UV "Planar," there's a box that you can open up to choose the settings. You want to select the axis cutting through (the axis in the bottom left pointing towards) the face you have chosen. There's also the Fit projection to the "Best plane" option (in the Planar options box) that Maya will determine the best axis to project the UV onto.
It may be good practice to select faces individually and UV Planar them to the correct axis and play around with that. In the UV editor (with the Shader option on, the 2nd option with the three boxes on the top left), if a UV map appears red, go to transform and flip it.
Here's a quick test of your approximate model with Automatic UV (I didn't stitch.)
