A few jokes about Engineers, Mathmaticians and the like.

[AllenJessup]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, "Bartender, give me a beer." The next one says, "Bartender, give me half a beer.", the next one says, "Bartender, give me one quarter of a beer", the next one says, "Bartender, give me one eighth of a beer". It goes on like this for awhile and finally the bartender says, "Ok, gentlemen, you know your limits".

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software developer are riding in a car and as they are going down a hill, the brakes fail. They keep gaining speed until finally they veer off the road and crash, barely avoiding death.

The chemical engineer says, "Riding the brakes must have generated too much heat, causing the failure." The mechanical engineer says, "No, I believe that one of the braking components broke under the stress, which caused the failure. The software engineer says, "Let's go back to the top of the hill and try it again!"

The hot dog vendor gives the Zen Master his hot dog and the the Zen master gives the guy a twenty. "What about my change?" asks the Zen master and the guy replies, "Real change comes from within."

A mathematician looks at a house. He see 2 people enter, and later sees 3 people leaves. He thinks to himself "if 1 more person enters that house, then it will be empty!"

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please."

[graemev]

Three logicians walk into a bar.  The bartender asks, "Would you all like a beer?"  The first logician says, "I don't know."  The second logician says, "I don't know."  The third logician says, "Yes."

Erwin Schroedinger was arrested on suspicion of killing a cat.  He was placed in solitary confinement and observed periodically.

A warrant was to be issued for Werner Heisenberg's arrest but the police only ever knew either where he was or what he was doing, never both at the same time.

A logician and his wife are in the delivery room at the hospital.  The wife gives birth and the doctor hands the newborn to the logician.  The wife asks, "Is it a boy or a girl?"  The logician replies, "Yes."

A logician walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "Beer?"  The logician replies, "No.  Human."  The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?"  The logician replies, "No."  The bartender tries again, asking, "Would you like some beer?"  The logician again replies, "No."  Being a clever and astute sort, the bartender asks, "Would you like this beer?" placing a poured glass upon the bar before the logician.  The logician replies, "Yes."

Those who can, do.

Those who can't, teach.

Those who can't teach, administrate.

Those who can't administrate, govern.

Those who can't govern, seek re-election.

[Mistress0fTheDorkness]

~applause~

Thanks for the giggles, these were all great.

[GilesPhillips]

Sure you've heard this one before..

To an optimist the glass is half full

To a pessamist the glass is half empty

To an engineer the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[troma]

Thanks for the guffaws! Need a kudos button...

...
Military Engineers build weapons.
Civil Engineers build targets.

[troma]

My take on Heisenberg:
Heisenberg was pulled over by a cop for speeding.
Cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "Nope, but I know exactly where I was!"

Also, I've tried this one:
"Would you like tea or coffee?"
"Yes"
But somehow it doesn't go down too well, and people don't want to give me either.

[GilesPhillips]

---

@troma wrote:

Also, I've tried this one:
"Would you like tea or coffee?"
"Yes"
But somehow it doesn't go down too well, and people don't want to give me either.

---

Or you get both in the same mug.  Ever tried Teafee? 

[Mistress0fTheDorkness]

---

@troma wrote:

Also, I've tried this one:
"Would you like tea or coffee?"
"Yes"
But somehow it doesn't go down too well, and people don't want to give me either.

---

😄 Ah, yeah, I've done a lot of similar (I never miss an opportunity to make a joke), and it's not often enough appreciated.

I just can't help it, though. 

Like when there's a hostess being friendly and chatting and saying 'sorry about your wait' and I reply 'not nearly as sorry as my (cardiologist/tailor etc)'.

My new coworkers are starting to get used to my manner of speech, though. 

Sarah: "Hi"

Me: "No, just tired."

Sarah: ~pause~ ~eyeroll~ yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Al: "Take it easy."

Me: "Heck, if I can get it easy, I might take it twice."

Al: ~pause~ ~guffaw~ I'm gonna use that one, okay? 

Boss: I saw this change in the ui. Did you or Brett do it? 

Me: Yes.

[-niels-]

---

@Mistress0fTheDorkness wrote:

---

@troma wrote:

Also, I've tried this one:
"Would you like tea or coffee?"
"Yes"
But somehow it doesn't go down too well, and people don't want to give me either.

---

 

Boss: I saw this change in the ui. Did you or Brett do it? 

Me: Yes.

---

Lol, i guess you're also the kind of people that, when asked "Do you know what time it is" answer by looking at your watch/clock and then saying "yes".

My dad pulled this one at a fair long ago, the lady that asked was slightly flustered but then replied with "Can you show me as well?".

(yes, this could have gone on forever but the fact that she made a snappy comeback was enough for us to laugh and actually tell her the time 🙂 )

[AllenJessup]

That's pretty much the way I answer most questions my wife asks me. To be fair, she answers most of mine with "I don't care". Decision making is a very long process in our house.!

[-niels-]

Lol, suddenly i got the image of "bit" from the movie Tron in my head... (the classic, not the newer sequel).

Yes... No... YesYesYesYesYes.... 😄

[AllenJessup]

My wife likes to watch the Animal Planet channel. One night I explained to her that "Shark Week is just a Fluke". That lead to 2 hours of back an forth puns. Eventually we drifted from marine biology to geology. I often wish I had a recording of that. I can't remember any except the first one. But I'm sure at one point someone said "You could take that for Granite"

[Mistress0fTheDorkness]

Lol, I try not to mock dangled participles too often. My boss is one of the few who would appreciate that, I'm lucky.

He walks up to me on a regular basis with his empty coffee mug and goes 'look, I installed java!' (he saw a meme on the internet).

(he thinks I'm obsessed with Java, but, it's really JavaScript, actually, which was a sticking point with the webaccess for the software I support, because everyone had different versions and I had to get IT on it a couple of times... I don't suppose there's any point in pointing that out again, so I just go 'haha' and let it go.)

[Mistress0fTheDorkness]

❤️ That's so sweet.

There's nothing quite like a punwar.

[graemev]

We will not tolerate any Spoonerisms here!  No ifs, ands, mutts, or babies!